I'm having a nearly impossible time fathoming the words to use to explain my current state of mind.  I don't want to have another sour blog, because i know exactly who im gonna hear what from, both in support and against my opinion.  So with this in mind i will begin.

My summer was fairly crazy, and it took alot, if not everything, out of me, and i really didn't have anything being fed back in.  So speed up to this past thursday night, my good friend Jeremy got me and some of our closest peeps together to share alot of whats been going on in his walk, life, etc.  It really hit me hard because he wasn't talking just about himself, but me as well.

So, I spent some time pondering what he said, and how it relates to me.  But, I thought about my whole life, and was trying to pin-point the causes of everything, and naturally, it came back to two things.  How i invest myself, and feed me, and who i go to for teaching and feeding.  With the prior, i will be the first to admit, I slacked a bunch.  Not that i wasn't getting into personal times of devotion and worship, but I wasn't doing enough.  As you exert more of yourself into any ministry, you need to take more in... i forgot that simple principle, and kept the intake equal, and thus cheated myself out of alot.

But I just as fairly examined who is, for lack of a better term, obligated to feed me- my church.  At the end of last school year, I was going to 4 services and Sunday school, and investing myself into other ministries, and just generally being involved in whatever i could.  But my needs were really only being met in sunday school and at Fusion *not because who the teacher was, but it was specifically aimed at people like me*, the other things i was digging deep, but just not pulling enough up.  So then Bruce announces his upcoming departure to follow God's will in Hanford, this leads to the group losing focus, and turning from a strong growing ministry, to a forum of church politics, that to date, hasn't ended.   And sunday school hasn't been much more than us sitting in limbo, waiting until we get married and may move into an "adult" class.

So now the group has undergone serious changes and some decisions have been made that if you know me, you know where i stand, if not... some are thrilled others aren't.  Now we just continue beating this long-dead horse in hopes that our group may finally become so worn out that we just go with it... and we've stopped discussing the heart of the matter, God.  It's become a forum to vent, in a very censored manor. 

 Now, the last place i was seriously growing, is withered up, and without an immediate turn around, it will die.  So, I dont have somewhere to bring people, because im not about to invest another life into a ministry that has no-legs to stand on.  I dont have somewhere for me to go, because it does nothing for me.  I'm at that point of desperation, with a number of other people who see the problem, and we are ready to leave.  We want to be a part of a ministry that really is designed for 18+ so. cal christians of this modern generation.  We have different values than our parents and grandparents generation, and we need somewhere that is comfortable with our different values, and what really makes sense to us.  It's been proposed multiple times at life center, but said service contradicts the traditional family life our church stands for, and hence can't happen.

This is really hard for me to write, even though i've said for years i was quitting.  This time, i mean it.  My view isn't that radical, so if this has offended you, I'm sorry, but try to understand how crucial this is.  You don't have to accept what values we have, but because the spiritual lives of a generation hang in the balance, dont just shrug us off, meet us half way and give us the push we need to create and sustain the ministry we want and need. its not a slap in the face to you, its just a cry for more. so please, give us more

so its a rare event in my life that someone comes along that changes me, and i mean really, truely changes me.  I guess it doesnt happen in many people's lives, thats what makes it special. i say its so rare because besides my mother, there's only been one adult, EVER, that meant so much to me as bruce kane has, and has changed my life, by being himself, and helping me be me.

           Bruce casually strolled into a bonfire one evening to informally introduce himself to the congregation he'd now be the associate/college pastor of.  I introduced myself, and mentioned that some years ago he'd been involved with my parents in ministry... but that didn't matter to him.  He asked me about me.  That was just Bruce being the friendliest he could.  But the difference is, he remembered me... he didnt remember everyone from that night, but he remembered me.  This struck me as quite awesome, this man whom I'd had a brief encounter dignified me by keeping me identified as Justin, not just a youth he'd one day deal with, or the child of someone he worked with years ago, but Justin.

       I soon began to have regular dealings with bruce, because, you see, bruce is of a very like mindset of me, and had developed many of the same feelings about various life center dealings and people as i had.  Soon, I sought council in pertinance to my relationship with dear old Eric Atherton.  Begrudginly we decided it was better to stick with youth for as long as possible, and make fusion a sometimes thing until i could properly handle being in both, which could hold me over until i graduated.  This was followed by several, "just hold it out, God's doing His thing right now... no matter how you feel about Eric".  while this was never the answer i wanted, it was the right answer because i knew that Bruce was genuinely concerned... I saw pain in his face when something was really frustrating, and hurting me.  HOW RARE IS THAT!!!! REAL TRUE EMPATHY!!!!!  why would that happen?  because in my communications with bruce, he showed me ways that would work in my life to put the right spin on God and put things in perspective.  and when things came into perspective, we had enough in common that he could relate, and help me from experience, and not just books and good ideas like eric.

     But more than anything else, why I love and cherish Bruce Kane is that he cares for me beyond his obligation.  Eric and mine's relationship only exists because i am a member of his youth group, and i've tried over the years to make it better and work with him (with little luck).  But Bruce has not actually had any obligation more than pleasantries with me... but thats not the case of the relationship.  Bruce has cared far beyond the obligation of a pastor, or mentor, or whatever he could be. Bruce was the first adult taht wasn't my mom, that i honestly know cared about me beyond the obligation of their title (be it parent, teacher, friends parent, etc).  I dont consider Bruce a peer, because he's my parents age... unlike scott, who meets the description of concerned adult, but, idunno, is very peer like..

all that to say this.  Bruce and family are moving up towards fresno at teh first of july, to plant a church in bruce's home town.  This means that some serious changes will be happening.  First, Fusion is only a college group, 25 and up are gone to life groups.  Since the college group will be small, it will meet exclusively in the basement now.  Next, ERIC ATHERTON will be the "STUDENT PASTOR" and "LEAD" the college group, in addition to J-hi and high school.

this means until im 24 eric will be over me. eff that, i'm not willing to be treated like crap for 6 more years.  I'm going to have to find a new church.  while i love life center, and its been my church home, ive never agreed with the idea of eric being anything, but i've gone with it, knowing taht one day, his reign over me would be over, and i stuck it out through highschool.  But i dont want this to seem like im jumping ship because of bruce leaving.  NO!!! i cant tolerate a church that would add to eric's responsibility another group of students, taht can just get by with whatever the hell this guy spews out... and most likely he'll suggest combining High school and college. but thats no good, college is different, and needs a hard line between teh two groups is necessary.

Tonight about 30 minutes after Bruces announcement, it clicked in people's heads, oh yeah justin has been coming here because this is where he belongs, in our group, where we discuss things, and where the pastor listens, and is our friend, and where its a community not just a gathering.  then a few people said things like poor justin, you were this close to being in bruce's group officially, and done with eric.... i hate how harsh this sounds on eric, but hey i have strong feelings about the guy, and i'll be darned if im gonna hide them now, im emotional and have been crying, and things like that, and if anyone has eric issues, i'll listen to you tell me why i dont understand, and why im cynical, but i swear to you this, i wont be swayed. so you may want to save your breath.

I love and will miss Bruce, and im very sad that he will be leaving while im on that missions trip to alaska... so sad, but im happy he's doing God's will. i really am